Be the Change You Wish To See In the World

There are so many ways I want to improve my life, there always have been. I have the gift (and/or curse) of being able to assess a situation and instinctively know how it could be better. But often instead of making those improvements (or even moving toward them), I've tended to cower on the sidelines. I've waited for change to happen; and generally, those are the kinds of changes that aren't welcome ones.

I'm not sure what this journal will become, but at its start I would like this to be a declaration to the Universe that I want certain things to be different in my life and I am willing to work hard to make the differences a reality. Yes, a bold declarative statement deserves some back-up, fontally-speaking (I was an English major in college, really...where did that go?). It's not that my life has gone horribly awry: I have everything I need. But I'm not doing enough with what I have, I'm stuck in the inertia of bad life patterns and self-sabotage. I want to enjoy my life more and I want to live a more meaningful day-to-day existence. I want to better care for myself so I can better care for others. And hey, I want to feel good most of the time, physically and mentally. As Ani DiFranco said, "More joy, less shame."

At the moment my desire for transformation seems to be focusing on three different but related areas (and while ultimately I want to get as close to these goals as possible, on a daily basis I just want to have taken steps to achieve them each day):

1.) My health: I'm not horribly unhealthy, I'm not a leper and not suffering from flesh-eating bacteria or anything. But I weigh almost twice what I (and any health care professional, frankly) would want me to weigh. I've been working on exercising more and eating healthier foods, but I've been so half-assed about it at times that I've lost about 15 pounds in something like 5 months. It's the right direction and I feel better than I did a few months ago, but I'm still feeling the urge to self-comfort with food, fill my body with junk instead of nourishment, etc. And I know that if I don't step it up, not only am I not going to get where I want to be (a healthy, trim size for my body, whatever that size may be), I'm going to develop health issues. I'm only in my early 30s! Way too young to feel this old. I want to feel good, vital and energetic most of the time, and I want to be living a life that will lead to this result.

2.) My peace of mind: I worry too much, I let distress take over my thoughts and focus on the negatives over the positives all too often. I used to be able to meditate and relax, I could unwind easily, and lately I've been having trouble taking any kind of break. And if this continues, it will break me down. I want to be able to calm myself down without emotional eating or upsetting myself further. I want to learn how to better manage my stress and keep a more consistently optimistic outlook. I want to be able to work through my emotions in a healthy way and to relax when my body needs rest.

3.) My organization: I'm naturally an organized person when I'm living in the moment, but months of living a stressed-out life and a lifetime of poor coping skills (see 1 and 2 above) have left my life rife with boxes of stuff to be sorted, mismanaged days where I don't get as much done as I could, and a daily feeling of helplessness trying to get my life organized. I want an organized house that I can keep clean and enjoy on a daily basis. I want to be able to have people over without feeling dread. I want to be able to enjoy my free time and be able to relax when I have it. I want to be able to have my meals planned and ready so I can support my healthy lifestyle.

It's a start :). A journey of a thousand miles and all that. And hopefully subsequent posts will be full of strategies for achieving my goals, tips and tricks. And successes, for all the ways I'm making my dreams come true. We'll see...