Well, be careful what you name your journal! Had I chosen "Mastering Mediocrity" or "Bolstering the Banal", things might be quite different right now.
Any change we make, however large or small, has a ripple effect that extends into infinity (remember the commercials about the stampeding animals that somehow stir up a duststorm that causes a weather disturbance that takes out your electricity so you can't blow dry your hair and are late to work? That kind of thing). It's true...I think that's why I've always been so paralyzed by change, because I can't foresee all the ramifications of my choices or control all of the consequences. It's easier to do nothing and stagnate in a big ol' rut.
Although I haven't been perfect with my eating (or my organizing) lately, I've been doing better. I've really been cutting down on my sodium and I'm retaining a lot less water. I've felt better. I got a haircut, which everyone at work noticed (it looks like TV lawyer hair, and is pretty and ultra-professional). And probably not because of my hair but it didn't hurt...my boss sent out feelers to see if I'd be interested in a promotion (if the salary is right, yes). So we'll see...
It's tough to love change though...it's tough to trust that everything will be okay. A local road is in the planning stages and might end up going through or behind my house, my lovely house in my friendly neighborhood that we bought before the real estate bubble burst. Sigh. But if I have to end up moving, maybe that would be for the best, too. Fearing that isn't going to make my life any better whether it comes to pass or passes me by.
Feeling philosophical tonight :).
Friday, February 12, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Not A Rousing Success, But I'll Take It
Friday is my weigh-in day...I was about the same weight/fat percentage as last week, but I'm hormonally resplendent at present so I probably did lose some fat (my monthly usually shows up as fat on the scale...go figure). We'll see...I lost inches around my middle, and THAT'S far more important. Plus, I was looking at the numbers and I've lost 10 pounds since the 1st Friday of last month. Some of it's water because I've been reducing my sodium, but that's still amazing. Although I want to focus on my efforts and not results for Feb., I'm secretly hoping in my heart of hearts to get under 300 pounds this month (it's doable if the effort is there and if my body is willing. I hate the strain my body feels under all the weight I have now, and it would be great to be under 300 for my OB/Gyn appointment in March. It's a goal)!
My eating was not terrible so much as too much, too much, too much. Friday is my "indulgence day" and I'm usually good about moderation, but I've had a stressful week and rain and flooding makes me emotionally nervous (PTSD from a hurricane a few years back...nothing worse than a lot of ceiling damage happened, but it was enough to make me dread the wet stuff. I'm better than I was). Anyway, I had some healthy choices for a treat (Amy's Nacho snacks, a small portion of corn chips with 2% cheese), and then my husband brought home Five Guys (I'm mostly vegetarian but I get the "Veggie" sandwich and add my own veggie burger at home)...and the fries. Oh, the fries! My downfall. I ate more than I intended and then drank Pepsi throwback (no HFCS, but that doesn't make it good for you). I'm not physically ill right now from my choices, but I can tell I had too much sodium and I'm just...disappointed. I think I need to just settle for one small indulgence treat on a Friday and just be especially mindful when I get stressed that I don't eat needlessly.
On the plus side, I at least have a plan for tomorrow. I had to go easy on the exercise today because I pulled a muscle, but I was still active. I bought a ton of veggies at the grocery store and have carved time tomorrow to actually steam some of them. And I got my air purifiers up and running to improve the air quality in my house...I was a good deal calmer than usual having a stressful day. Today was definitely baby steps (and eating-wise kind of a drunken stumble), but I'm not going to beat myself up for it. If it's a learning experience it is worth it! Even if the greasy fries and the sugary soft drink really (sadly) weren't. Bygones.
My eating was not terrible so much as too much, too much, too much. Friday is my "indulgence day" and I'm usually good about moderation, but I've had a stressful week and rain and flooding makes me emotionally nervous (PTSD from a hurricane a few years back...nothing worse than a lot of ceiling damage happened, but it was enough to make me dread the wet stuff. I'm better than I was). Anyway, I had some healthy choices for a treat (Amy's Nacho snacks, a small portion of corn chips with 2% cheese), and then my husband brought home Five Guys (I'm mostly vegetarian but I get the "Veggie" sandwich and add my own veggie burger at home)...and the fries. Oh, the fries! My downfall. I ate more than I intended and then drank Pepsi throwback (no HFCS, but that doesn't make it good for you). I'm not physically ill right now from my choices, but I can tell I had too much sodium and I'm just...disappointed. I think I need to just settle for one small indulgence treat on a Friday and just be especially mindful when I get stressed that I don't eat needlessly.
On the plus side, I at least have a plan for tomorrow. I had to go easy on the exercise today because I pulled a muscle, but I was still active. I bought a ton of veggies at the grocery store and have carved time tomorrow to actually steam some of them. And I got my air purifiers up and running to improve the air quality in my house...I was a good deal calmer than usual having a stressful day. Today was definitely baby steps (and eating-wise kind of a drunken stumble), but I'm not going to beat myself up for it. If it's a learning experience it is worth it! Even if the greasy fries and the sugary soft drink really (sadly) weren't. Bygones.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Ripples Come And Ripples Go, Ripple Back To Me
The changes have already started having an effect. Tackling my disgusting shower made me realize how hard it is to clean...we have this crappy showerhead that has 2 settings (drippy low pressure and concentrated, stabby icepick pressure), and not only has it not been helping me clean my shower, but it's not really helping to clean me. We had a lovely detachable showerhead at our old place that allowed you to really clean everywhere, body- and shower-wise, and it was lovely and massaging. Showering should be a refreshing experience, but with the crappy showerhead, the grime, no room to put anything (my husband has knocked off my bath and beauty products so many times that some of the lids are broken, sigh), it's been a bit of a battlezone. And this is something I never even thought about! At all! I was just enduring it, not noticing how unhappy it made me. Or my husband...he's the least complaining man I've ever met, I'm not even sure he complains much even to himself. We balance one another well ;).
So tonight, when I bought a couple of kitchen items to support my healthy lifestyle (a veggie steamer that can also steam rice and fish and one of those egg genies because I love hard boiled eggs but never make them because I feel like I never do it right), I bought a detachable showerhead. I installed it in about 5 minutes, and it is AWESOME! Not only can I now reach every part of my shower to clean it (and my feet...I now don't have to pull flamingo-yoga moves to rinse them with a tiny stream of water we had before). I also bought a "under the showerhead shelf" and a corner caddy for the shower floor. With any luck when I'm done, not only will we have a clean space to get clean where my stuff won't end up battered and broken, but we can use the towel bar for towels! I know, it doesn't sound so revolutionary, but this could save a lot of time and make bathtime more fun than a rubber ducky (sorry, Ernie). Oh, and a cleaning tip for tough-grout situations: electric toothbrush + old head + baking soda = clean in half the time! It's not something I plan to do on an on-going basis, elbow grease is much more environmentally friendly, but once I get it clean it will be easier to keep it clean.
Health-wise I did pretty well...I tried damage control calorie and sodium-wise early in the day because I knew I was meeting a friend for dinner and a movie (Leap Year...Netflix it if you have to see it. Or see The Matchmaker with Janeane Garofalo...it was a better movie and the scenery was almost as good). I did okay...small portions, and now I just need to drink a LOT of water as tomorrow is weigh-in (and a small movie popcorn isn't small on the sodium).
Peace of mind-wise, I just tried to remind myself that things don't always have to go as I have planned, that I would do my best and that would be good enough. And strangely enough, everything worked out beautifully...I did a lot in a short amount of time, and it felt good without me feeling all bent out of shape. I still wanted to eat when I got home from dinner (for some reason I sometimes get emotionally munchie post-get-together with friends, sometimes even after phone calls), but instead I just distracted myself without food. Something to note though...I'm not sure why getting together with friends raises emotions I don't want to deal with, but I'm interested in finding out what this means.
So tonight, when I bought a couple of kitchen items to support my healthy lifestyle (a veggie steamer that can also steam rice and fish and one of those egg genies because I love hard boiled eggs but never make them because I feel like I never do it right), I bought a detachable showerhead. I installed it in about 5 minutes, and it is AWESOME! Not only can I now reach every part of my shower to clean it (and my feet...I now don't have to pull flamingo-yoga moves to rinse them with a tiny stream of water we had before). I also bought a "under the showerhead shelf" and a corner caddy for the shower floor. With any luck when I'm done, not only will we have a clean space to get clean where my stuff won't end up battered and broken, but we can use the towel bar for towels! I know, it doesn't sound so revolutionary, but this could save a lot of time and make bathtime more fun than a rubber ducky (sorry, Ernie). Oh, and a cleaning tip for tough-grout situations: electric toothbrush + old head + baking soda = clean in half the time! It's not something I plan to do on an on-going basis, elbow grease is much more environmentally friendly, but once I get it clean it will be easier to keep it clean.
Health-wise I did pretty well...I tried damage control calorie and sodium-wise early in the day because I knew I was meeting a friend for dinner and a movie (Leap Year...Netflix it if you have to see it. Or see The Matchmaker with Janeane Garofalo...it was a better movie and the scenery was almost as good). I did okay...small portions, and now I just need to drink a LOT of water as tomorrow is weigh-in (and a small movie popcorn isn't small on the sodium).
Peace of mind-wise, I just tried to remind myself that things don't always have to go as I have planned, that I would do my best and that would be good enough. And strangely enough, everything worked out beautifully...I did a lot in a short amount of time, and it felt good without me feeling all bent out of shape. I still wanted to eat when I got home from dinner (for some reason I sometimes get emotionally munchie post-get-together with friends, sometimes even after phone calls), but instead I just distracted myself without food. Something to note though...I'm not sure why getting together with friends raises emotions I don't want to deal with, but I'm interested in finding out what this means.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Changes In Attitude, Changes In Latitude
Last post featuring change in the title, I swear. At least for a while...it's getting precious, and a little irritating. And it's my blog...if I got any actual readers? I'm not thinking they would find it anymore endearing than I do.
Today went well...health-wise I ate several small meals and there was no emotional eating binge behaviors. Yay! I even craved salad halfway through the day (the taco salad with black beans, a little cheese, spices, and spring mix) and had a lovely fish dinner with my husband tonight with yet another salad (more spring mix, a handful of sunflower seeds, a drizzle of shitake mushroom dressing, and a sprinkle of asiago). I made my husband the same thing, just upped the toppings. He works long hours and we're not together as much as I would like, so when I can make the time cook him something personal it means a lot. It was a good night :).
Cleaning/organization-wise I made my way through the pile of dishes that grew last week when I wasn't feeling well, and even tackled our scary, scary shower (I haven't thoroughly cleaned it since we moved here with actual scrubbing). I've started getting our tax stuff together. Baby steps are still steps. And as for peace of mind...I got freaked out a couple of times today and was able to calm myself down successfully. Drinking water is a surprising comfort...it's amazing how soothing it can be for us to be nice to our bodies.
Ultimately I'd love to make these changes permanent enough that I don't need reminders of them (and then I can make small, fun changes and track their progress and results...for someone who is as much a change-a-phobe as I am, that would be interesting). I like making this self-improvement a project rather than a chore. It's fun to report back how I'm doing, and hopefully it will be inspirational to someone other than me. If not, I'm more than enough!
Today went well...health-wise I ate several small meals and there was no emotional eating binge behaviors. Yay! I even craved salad halfway through the day (the taco salad with black beans, a little cheese, spices, and spring mix) and had a lovely fish dinner with my husband tonight with yet another salad (more spring mix, a handful of sunflower seeds, a drizzle of shitake mushroom dressing, and a sprinkle of asiago). I made my husband the same thing, just upped the toppings. He works long hours and we're not together as much as I would like, so when I can make the time cook him something personal it means a lot. It was a good night :).
Cleaning/organization-wise I made my way through the pile of dishes that grew last week when I wasn't feeling well, and even tackled our scary, scary shower (I haven't thoroughly cleaned it since we moved here with actual scrubbing). I've started getting our tax stuff together. Baby steps are still steps. And as for peace of mind...I got freaked out a couple of times today and was able to calm myself down successfully. Drinking water is a surprising comfort...it's amazing how soothing it can be for us to be nice to our bodies.
Ultimately I'd love to make these changes permanent enough that I don't need reminders of them (and then I can make small, fun changes and track their progress and results...for someone who is as much a change-a-phobe as I am, that would be interesting). I like making this self-improvement a project rather than a chore. It's fun to report back how I'm doing, and hopefully it will be inspirational to someone other than me. If not, I'm more than enough!
Ch-ch-changes...
I tried to get too fancy with my post and it was deleted by the Gods of Bloggery when I attempted to hyperlink prematurely. O fortuna! So to sum it up, I've been doing well today, this journal is helping, and oh, Ruby is on and here's the lyrics to her theme song, I find them inspirational and perhaps you will, too (really, my post was a lot better before it was deleted. More later though):
I see everything happening
Feeling changes coming on
I gotta let go of what I know
Where I’ve been coming from
I picture overcoming obstacles
See me beat the odds
Down stream of my dream
My own big O-cean
I can if I think I can
Turn my doubts into sand
I can if I think I can
I made a plan, I’ll take a stand
I’ll be my own biggest fan
I can if I think I can
If I think I can
I see the strangest things happening
Rainbows at dawn
Thoughts like melodies stay with me
Lead me down this road I’m on
Fantasies are easy, and
What’s worth having that isn’t hard?
I can be whatever I’m gonna be
Yes I’m following my heart
I can if I think I can
Turn my doubts into sand
I can if I think I can
Take a stand, make demands
Gonna have about a million fans
I can if I think I can
If I think I can
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Be the Change You Wish To See In the World
There are so many ways I want to improve my life, there always have been. I have the gift (and/or curse) of being able to assess a situation and instinctively know how it could be better. But often instead of making those improvements (or even moving toward them), I've tended to cower on the sidelines. I've waited for change to happen; and generally, those are the kinds of changes that aren't welcome ones.
I'm not sure what this journal will become, but at its start I would like this to be a declaration to the Universe that I want certain things to be different in my life and I am willing to work hard to make the differences a reality. Yes, a bold declarative statement deserves some back-up, fontally-speaking (I was an English major in college, really...where did that go?). It's not that my life has gone horribly awry: I have everything I need. But I'm not doing enough with what I have, I'm stuck in the inertia of bad life patterns and self-sabotage. I want to enjoy my life more and I want to live a more meaningful day-to-day existence. I want to better care for myself so I can better care for others. And hey, I want to feel good most of the time, physically and mentally. As Ani DiFranco said, "More joy, less shame."
At the moment my desire for transformation seems to be focusing on three different but related areas (and while ultimately I want to get as close to these goals as possible, on a daily basis I just want to have taken steps to achieve them each day):
1.) My health: I'm not horribly unhealthy, I'm not a leper and not suffering from flesh-eating bacteria or anything. But I weigh almost twice what I (and any health care professional, frankly) would want me to weigh. I've been working on exercising more and eating healthier foods, but I've been so half-assed about it at times that I've lost about 15 pounds in something like 5 months. It's the right direction and I feel better than I did a few months ago, but I'm still feeling the urge to self-comfort with food, fill my body with junk instead of nourishment, etc. And I know that if I don't step it up, not only am I not going to get where I want to be (a healthy, trim size for my body, whatever that size may be), I'm going to develop health issues. I'm only in my early 30s! Way too young to feel this old. I want to feel good, vital and energetic most of the time, and I want to be living a life that will lead to this result.
2.) My peace of mind: I worry too much, I let distress take over my thoughts and focus on the negatives over the positives all too often. I used to be able to meditate and relax, I could unwind easily, and lately I've been having trouble taking any kind of break. And if this continues, it will break me down. I want to be able to calm myself down without emotional eating or upsetting myself further. I want to learn how to better manage my stress and keep a more consistently optimistic outlook. I want to be able to work through my emotions in a healthy way and to relax when my body needs rest.
3.) My organization: I'm naturally an organized person when I'm living in the moment, but months of living a stressed-out life and a lifetime of poor coping skills (see 1 and 2 above) have left my life rife with boxes of stuff to be sorted, mismanaged days where I don't get as much done as I could, and a daily feeling of helplessness trying to get my life organized. I want an organized house that I can keep clean and enjoy on a daily basis. I want to be able to have people over without feeling dread. I want to be able to enjoy my free time and be able to relax when I have it. I want to be able to have my meals planned and ready so I can support my healthy lifestyle.
It's a start :). A journey of a thousand miles and all that. And hopefully subsequent posts will be full of strategies for achieving my goals, tips and tricks. And successes, for all the ways I'm making my dreams come true. We'll see...
I'm not sure what this journal will become, but at its start I would like this to be a declaration to the Universe that I want certain things to be different in my life and I am willing to work hard to make the differences a reality. Yes, a bold declarative statement deserves some back-up, fontally-speaking (I was an English major in college, really...where did that go?). It's not that my life has gone horribly awry: I have everything I need. But I'm not doing enough with what I have, I'm stuck in the inertia of bad life patterns and self-sabotage. I want to enjoy my life more and I want to live a more meaningful day-to-day existence. I want to better care for myself so I can better care for others. And hey, I want to feel good most of the time, physically and mentally. As Ani DiFranco said, "More joy, less shame."
At the moment my desire for transformation seems to be focusing on three different but related areas (and while ultimately I want to get as close to these goals as possible, on a daily basis I just want to have taken steps to achieve them each day):
1.) My health: I'm not horribly unhealthy, I'm not a leper and not suffering from flesh-eating bacteria or anything. But I weigh almost twice what I (and any health care professional, frankly) would want me to weigh. I've been working on exercising more and eating healthier foods, but I've been so half-assed about it at times that I've lost about 15 pounds in something like 5 months. It's the right direction and I feel better than I did a few months ago, but I'm still feeling the urge to self-comfort with food, fill my body with junk instead of nourishment, etc. And I know that if I don't step it up, not only am I not going to get where I want to be (a healthy, trim size for my body, whatever that size may be), I'm going to develop health issues. I'm only in my early 30s! Way too young to feel this old. I want to feel good, vital and energetic most of the time, and I want to be living a life that will lead to this result.
2.) My peace of mind: I worry too much, I let distress take over my thoughts and focus on the negatives over the positives all too often. I used to be able to meditate and relax, I could unwind easily, and lately I've been having trouble taking any kind of break. And if this continues, it will break me down. I want to be able to calm myself down without emotional eating or upsetting myself further. I want to learn how to better manage my stress and keep a more consistently optimistic outlook. I want to be able to work through my emotions in a healthy way and to relax when my body needs rest.
3.) My organization: I'm naturally an organized person when I'm living in the moment, but months of living a stressed-out life and a lifetime of poor coping skills (see 1 and 2 above) have left my life rife with boxes of stuff to be sorted, mismanaged days where I don't get as much done as I could, and a daily feeling of helplessness trying to get my life organized. I want an organized house that I can keep clean and enjoy on a daily basis. I want to be able to have people over without feeling dread. I want to be able to enjoy my free time and be able to relax when I have it. I want to be able to have my meals planned and ready so I can support my healthy lifestyle.
It's a start :). A journey of a thousand miles and all that. And hopefully subsequent posts will be full of strategies for achieving my goals, tips and tricks. And successes, for all the ways I'm making my dreams come true. We'll see...
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