Do you ever feel that way? I am such an overachiever at life* that I constantly feel like this...I create these huge goals and I stack them on top of one another, laying them around me like bricks. And with these bricks I build this unscalable wall that I can't easily overcome--the goals keep me boxed in, blocked in with all of the garbage I'm trying to get rid of and ensure that I don't see the whole picture of what's going on with my life. So ultimately nothing happens, or at least not enough to leave me satisfied (and sometimes bad habits, etc. fall right back down on me. I've built the wall, so where do I expect it to go)?
So, for the rest of August, I'm making 3 vague but intriguing goals: 1.) to start to determine what I no longer need in my life and to slowly shed this like a snake sheds its dry, useless skin to make way for its healthy new body, 2.) To slowly add healthy new habits to my life and to try to be consistent with them, and 3.) To relish my achievements and be objective about them--I may not turn into the person I want to be overnight, but as long as I am moving in the right direction I will do my best to be happy with that.
We'll see how this goes. I'll report on my progress as the month progresses. :)
*This implies that I actually meet my goals, but I often don't. Read on!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Something changed in me, the moment that I knew...
I ended up getting the job :). And I'm doing very well!
No time to really update, but things are good. They could be better, and certainly that's something I'm working toward. My positive life changes faltered because of health issues and I have a weigh-in this week that I am not ready for, but...it will be ok. I'm ok :).
No time to really update, but things are good. They could be better, and certainly that's something I'm working toward. My positive life changes faltered because of health issues and I have a weigh-in this week that I am not ready for, but...it will be ok. I'm ok :).
Friday, February 12, 2010
Slowly Breaking Through To Daylight
Well, be careful what you name your journal! Had I chosen "Mastering Mediocrity" or "Bolstering the Banal", things might be quite different right now.
Any change we make, however large or small, has a ripple effect that extends into infinity (remember the commercials about the stampeding animals that somehow stir up a duststorm that causes a weather disturbance that takes out your electricity so you can't blow dry your hair and are late to work? That kind of thing). It's true...I think that's why I've always been so paralyzed by change, because I can't foresee all the ramifications of my choices or control all of the consequences. It's easier to do nothing and stagnate in a big ol' rut.
Although I haven't been perfect with my eating (or my organizing) lately, I've been doing better. I've really been cutting down on my sodium and I'm retaining a lot less water. I've felt better. I got a haircut, which everyone at work noticed (it looks like TV lawyer hair, and is pretty and ultra-professional). And probably not because of my hair but it didn't hurt...my boss sent out feelers to see if I'd be interested in a promotion (if the salary is right, yes). So we'll see...
It's tough to love change though...it's tough to trust that everything will be okay. A local road is in the planning stages and might end up going through or behind my house, my lovely house in my friendly neighborhood that we bought before the real estate bubble burst. Sigh. But if I have to end up moving, maybe that would be for the best, too. Fearing that isn't going to make my life any better whether it comes to pass or passes me by.
Feeling philosophical tonight :).
Any change we make, however large or small, has a ripple effect that extends into infinity (remember the commercials about the stampeding animals that somehow stir up a duststorm that causes a weather disturbance that takes out your electricity so you can't blow dry your hair and are late to work? That kind of thing). It's true...I think that's why I've always been so paralyzed by change, because I can't foresee all the ramifications of my choices or control all of the consequences. It's easier to do nothing and stagnate in a big ol' rut.
Although I haven't been perfect with my eating (or my organizing) lately, I've been doing better. I've really been cutting down on my sodium and I'm retaining a lot less water. I've felt better. I got a haircut, which everyone at work noticed (it looks like TV lawyer hair, and is pretty and ultra-professional). And probably not because of my hair but it didn't hurt...my boss sent out feelers to see if I'd be interested in a promotion (if the salary is right, yes). So we'll see...
It's tough to love change though...it's tough to trust that everything will be okay. A local road is in the planning stages and might end up going through or behind my house, my lovely house in my friendly neighborhood that we bought before the real estate bubble burst. Sigh. But if I have to end up moving, maybe that would be for the best, too. Fearing that isn't going to make my life any better whether it comes to pass or passes me by.
Feeling philosophical tonight :).
Friday, February 5, 2010
Not A Rousing Success, But I'll Take It
Friday is my weigh-in day...I was about the same weight/fat percentage as last week, but I'm hormonally resplendent at present so I probably did lose some fat (my monthly usually shows up as fat on the scale...go figure). We'll see...I lost inches around my middle, and THAT'S far more important. Plus, I was looking at the numbers and I've lost 10 pounds since the 1st Friday of last month. Some of it's water because I've been reducing my sodium, but that's still amazing. Although I want to focus on my efforts and not results for Feb., I'm secretly hoping in my heart of hearts to get under 300 pounds this month (it's doable if the effort is there and if my body is willing. I hate the strain my body feels under all the weight I have now, and it would be great to be under 300 for my OB/Gyn appointment in March. It's a goal)!
My eating was not terrible so much as too much, too much, too much. Friday is my "indulgence day" and I'm usually good about moderation, but I've had a stressful week and rain and flooding makes me emotionally nervous (PTSD from a hurricane a few years back...nothing worse than a lot of ceiling damage happened, but it was enough to make me dread the wet stuff. I'm better than I was). Anyway, I had some healthy choices for a treat (Amy's Nacho snacks, a small portion of corn chips with 2% cheese), and then my husband brought home Five Guys (I'm mostly vegetarian but I get the "Veggie" sandwich and add my own veggie burger at home)...and the fries. Oh, the fries! My downfall. I ate more than I intended and then drank Pepsi throwback (no HFCS, but that doesn't make it good for you). I'm not physically ill right now from my choices, but I can tell I had too much sodium and I'm just...disappointed. I think I need to just settle for one small indulgence treat on a Friday and just be especially mindful when I get stressed that I don't eat needlessly.
On the plus side, I at least have a plan for tomorrow. I had to go easy on the exercise today because I pulled a muscle, but I was still active. I bought a ton of veggies at the grocery store and have carved time tomorrow to actually steam some of them. And I got my air purifiers up and running to improve the air quality in my house...I was a good deal calmer than usual having a stressful day. Today was definitely baby steps (and eating-wise kind of a drunken stumble), but I'm not going to beat myself up for it. If it's a learning experience it is worth it! Even if the greasy fries and the sugary soft drink really (sadly) weren't. Bygones.
My eating was not terrible so much as too much, too much, too much. Friday is my "indulgence day" and I'm usually good about moderation, but I've had a stressful week and rain and flooding makes me emotionally nervous (PTSD from a hurricane a few years back...nothing worse than a lot of ceiling damage happened, but it was enough to make me dread the wet stuff. I'm better than I was). Anyway, I had some healthy choices for a treat (Amy's Nacho snacks, a small portion of corn chips with 2% cheese), and then my husband brought home Five Guys (I'm mostly vegetarian but I get the "Veggie" sandwich and add my own veggie burger at home)...and the fries. Oh, the fries! My downfall. I ate more than I intended and then drank Pepsi throwback (no HFCS, but that doesn't make it good for you). I'm not physically ill right now from my choices, but I can tell I had too much sodium and I'm just...disappointed. I think I need to just settle for one small indulgence treat on a Friday and just be especially mindful when I get stressed that I don't eat needlessly.
On the plus side, I at least have a plan for tomorrow. I had to go easy on the exercise today because I pulled a muscle, but I was still active. I bought a ton of veggies at the grocery store and have carved time tomorrow to actually steam some of them. And I got my air purifiers up and running to improve the air quality in my house...I was a good deal calmer than usual having a stressful day. Today was definitely baby steps (and eating-wise kind of a drunken stumble), but I'm not going to beat myself up for it. If it's a learning experience it is worth it! Even if the greasy fries and the sugary soft drink really (sadly) weren't. Bygones.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Ripples Come And Ripples Go, Ripple Back To Me
The changes have already started having an effect. Tackling my disgusting shower made me realize how hard it is to clean...we have this crappy showerhead that has 2 settings (drippy low pressure and concentrated, stabby icepick pressure), and not only has it not been helping me clean my shower, but it's not really helping to clean me. We had a lovely detachable showerhead at our old place that allowed you to really clean everywhere, body- and shower-wise, and it was lovely and massaging. Showering should be a refreshing experience, but with the crappy showerhead, the grime, no room to put anything (my husband has knocked off my bath and beauty products so many times that some of the lids are broken, sigh), it's been a bit of a battlezone. And this is something I never even thought about! At all! I was just enduring it, not noticing how unhappy it made me. Or my husband...he's the least complaining man I've ever met, I'm not even sure he complains much even to himself. We balance one another well ;).
So tonight, when I bought a couple of kitchen items to support my healthy lifestyle (a veggie steamer that can also steam rice and fish and one of those egg genies because I love hard boiled eggs but never make them because I feel like I never do it right), I bought a detachable showerhead. I installed it in about 5 minutes, and it is AWESOME! Not only can I now reach every part of my shower to clean it (and my feet...I now don't have to pull flamingo-yoga moves to rinse them with a tiny stream of water we had before). I also bought a "under the showerhead shelf" and a corner caddy for the shower floor. With any luck when I'm done, not only will we have a clean space to get clean where my stuff won't end up battered and broken, but we can use the towel bar for towels! I know, it doesn't sound so revolutionary, but this could save a lot of time and make bathtime more fun than a rubber ducky (sorry, Ernie). Oh, and a cleaning tip for tough-grout situations: electric toothbrush + old head + baking soda = clean in half the time! It's not something I plan to do on an on-going basis, elbow grease is much more environmentally friendly, but once I get it clean it will be easier to keep it clean.
Health-wise I did pretty well...I tried damage control calorie and sodium-wise early in the day because I knew I was meeting a friend for dinner and a movie (Leap Year...Netflix it if you have to see it. Or see The Matchmaker with Janeane Garofalo...it was a better movie and the scenery was almost as good). I did okay...small portions, and now I just need to drink a LOT of water as tomorrow is weigh-in (and a small movie popcorn isn't small on the sodium).
Peace of mind-wise, I just tried to remind myself that things don't always have to go as I have planned, that I would do my best and that would be good enough. And strangely enough, everything worked out beautifully...I did a lot in a short amount of time, and it felt good without me feeling all bent out of shape. I still wanted to eat when I got home from dinner (for some reason I sometimes get emotionally munchie post-get-together with friends, sometimes even after phone calls), but instead I just distracted myself without food. Something to note though...I'm not sure why getting together with friends raises emotions I don't want to deal with, but I'm interested in finding out what this means.
So tonight, when I bought a couple of kitchen items to support my healthy lifestyle (a veggie steamer that can also steam rice and fish and one of those egg genies because I love hard boiled eggs but never make them because I feel like I never do it right), I bought a detachable showerhead. I installed it in about 5 minutes, and it is AWESOME! Not only can I now reach every part of my shower to clean it (and my feet...I now don't have to pull flamingo-yoga moves to rinse them with a tiny stream of water we had before). I also bought a "under the showerhead shelf" and a corner caddy for the shower floor. With any luck when I'm done, not only will we have a clean space to get clean where my stuff won't end up battered and broken, but we can use the towel bar for towels! I know, it doesn't sound so revolutionary, but this could save a lot of time and make bathtime more fun than a rubber ducky (sorry, Ernie). Oh, and a cleaning tip for tough-grout situations: electric toothbrush + old head + baking soda = clean in half the time! It's not something I plan to do on an on-going basis, elbow grease is much more environmentally friendly, but once I get it clean it will be easier to keep it clean.
Health-wise I did pretty well...I tried damage control calorie and sodium-wise early in the day because I knew I was meeting a friend for dinner and a movie (Leap Year...Netflix it if you have to see it. Or see The Matchmaker with Janeane Garofalo...it was a better movie and the scenery was almost as good). I did okay...small portions, and now I just need to drink a LOT of water as tomorrow is weigh-in (and a small movie popcorn isn't small on the sodium).
Peace of mind-wise, I just tried to remind myself that things don't always have to go as I have planned, that I would do my best and that would be good enough. And strangely enough, everything worked out beautifully...I did a lot in a short amount of time, and it felt good without me feeling all bent out of shape. I still wanted to eat when I got home from dinner (for some reason I sometimes get emotionally munchie post-get-together with friends, sometimes even after phone calls), but instead I just distracted myself without food. Something to note though...I'm not sure why getting together with friends raises emotions I don't want to deal with, but I'm interested in finding out what this means.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Changes In Attitude, Changes In Latitude
Last post featuring change in the title, I swear. At least for a while...it's getting precious, and a little irritating. And it's my blog...if I got any actual readers? I'm not thinking they would find it anymore endearing than I do.
Today went well...health-wise I ate several small meals and there was no emotional eating binge behaviors. Yay! I even craved salad halfway through the day (the taco salad with black beans, a little cheese, spices, and spring mix) and had a lovely fish dinner with my husband tonight with yet another salad (more spring mix, a handful of sunflower seeds, a drizzle of shitake mushroom dressing, and a sprinkle of asiago). I made my husband the same thing, just upped the toppings. He works long hours and we're not together as much as I would like, so when I can make the time cook him something personal it means a lot. It was a good night :).
Cleaning/organization-wise I made my way through the pile of dishes that grew last week when I wasn't feeling well, and even tackled our scary, scary shower (I haven't thoroughly cleaned it since we moved here with actual scrubbing). I've started getting our tax stuff together. Baby steps are still steps. And as for peace of mind...I got freaked out a couple of times today and was able to calm myself down successfully. Drinking water is a surprising comfort...it's amazing how soothing it can be for us to be nice to our bodies.
Ultimately I'd love to make these changes permanent enough that I don't need reminders of them (and then I can make small, fun changes and track their progress and results...for someone who is as much a change-a-phobe as I am, that would be interesting). I like making this self-improvement a project rather than a chore. It's fun to report back how I'm doing, and hopefully it will be inspirational to someone other than me. If not, I'm more than enough!
Today went well...health-wise I ate several small meals and there was no emotional eating binge behaviors. Yay! I even craved salad halfway through the day (the taco salad with black beans, a little cheese, spices, and spring mix) and had a lovely fish dinner with my husband tonight with yet another salad (more spring mix, a handful of sunflower seeds, a drizzle of shitake mushroom dressing, and a sprinkle of asiago). I made my husband the same thing, just upped the toppings. He works long hours and we're not together as much as I would like, so when I can make the time cook him something personal it means a lot. It was a good night :).
Cleaning/organization-wise I made my way through the pile of dishes that grew last week when I wasn't feeling well, and even tackled our scary, scary shower (I haven't thoroughly cleaned it since we moved here with actual scrubbing). I've started getting our tax stuff together. Baby steps are still steps. And as for peace of mind...I got freaked out a couple of times today and was able to calm myself down successfully. Drinking water is a surprising comfort...it's amazing how soothing it can be for us to be nice to our bodies.
Ultimately I'd love to make these changes permanent enough that I don't need reminders of them (and then I can make small, fun changes and track their progress and results...for someone who is as much a change-a-phobe as I am, that would be interesting). I like making this self-improvement a project rather than a chore. It's fun to report back how I'm doing, and hopefully it will be inspirational to someone other than me. If not, I'm more than enough!
Ch-ch-changes...
I tried to get too fancy with my post and it was deleted by the Gods of Bloggery when I attempted to hyperlink prematurely. O fortuna! So to sum it up, I've been doing well today, this journal is helping, and oh, Ruby is on and here's the lyrics to her theme song, I find them inspirational and perhaps you will, too (really, my post was a lot better before it was deleted. More later though):
I see everything happening
Feeling changes coming on
I gotta let go of what I know
Where I’ve been coming from
I picture overcoming obstacles
See me beat the odds
Down stream of my dream
My own big O-cean
I can if I think I can
Turn my doubts into sand
I can if I think I can
I made a plan, I’ll take a stand
I’ll be my own biggest fan
I can if I think I can
If I think I can
I see the strangest things happening
Rainbows at dawn
Thoughts like melodies stay with me
Lead me down this road I’m on
Fantasies are easy, and
What’s worth having that isn’t hard?
I can be whatever I’m gonna be
Yes I’m following my heart
I can if I think I can
Turn my doubts into sand
I can if I think I can
Take a stand, make demands
Gonna have about a million fans
I can if I think I can
If I think I can
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